Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Too old to squat..

TOO OLD TO SQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later, two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by.
When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"

Happy Halloween All!

Seniors' Halloween

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to
dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between
her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a
potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

He replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sourpuss, I can go as a dick-tator.

East Coast (Newfoundland Canada) Fishing

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Newfie answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

'We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?' Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.' The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.' 'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?' The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to ' er.' Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?' The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Pan- handling in Toronto

Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Toronto subway. Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.

Ali says 'look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.

It reads:
'I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country.'

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Supermarkets

One day, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

"Listen mate Tesco's now have computerised surgeries, for five pounds.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits £5 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the

sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his

dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen, he deposits £5, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water

softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....


Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
" The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Monday, October 22, 2007

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Saskatchewan grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!

In classic form he attempted to deflect attention and n ot knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied,

Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire province.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Affairs

The 1st Affair:



A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her
place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair:



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife
got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
eve r seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!




The 3rd Affair:



A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"



The 4th Affair:



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum po! wder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."



The 5th Affair:



A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstair s with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."



The 6th Affair:



Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,
I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
----- End forwarded message -----

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

christmas tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?



The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".


"Onions?"


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

" Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

" Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."


"A Christmas tree?"


"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Grandma's house

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded Him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eaing at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dusty Underwear

Dusty Underwear



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his

wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.

Maybe

it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't

let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his

drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little

"dust"

cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum

powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...

"It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Nurse

THE NURSE...........Oh how I feel her pain!!!!


A nurse walks into a bank totally
exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she
pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
and without missing a beat says,
'Well, that's great..........
that's really great .........
some a**hole has my pen.'

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Desperate wife

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her,

the psychic delivered the bad news...
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be

a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the

single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the

question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away

with it?"

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Now I understand....

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide Let's see now. . . ?

No Jesus?
No Christmas?
No television No nude women No cheerleaders?
No baseball?
No football?
No hockey?
No golf?
No tailgate parties?
No Wal-Mart?
No Home Depot?
No pork BBQ?
No hot dogs?
No burgers?
No chocolate chip cookies?
No lobster?
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks?
No gumbo?
No jambalaya?
No Beer?
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.?
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.?
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.?
More than one wife.?
You can't shave.?
Your wives can't shave.?
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.?
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.?
Your bride is picked by someone else.?
She smells just like your donkey.?
But your donkey has a better disposition?
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!?
I mean, really, is there a mystery here???

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Walmart shopper banned ( no it was not me)

What do you do when 'The Little Woman' takes you shopping ? Here are some ideas for you.

Wal-Mart Bans Shopper Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different-sized funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least.....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Saturday, October 06, 2007

--- CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the
well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and crawl
reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she
was instructed. Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now crawl reery, reery fass
back to me." As she did, Dr Tang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever
see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and
replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like
your ass."

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking. The smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The
middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically
balanced.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first sh ot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Fishing

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Close your Garage Door

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP

HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD . THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.

WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "
"NO BOSS I DIDN'T,, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"